i won’t tear your heart out.

the world is a scary place. my biggest fear, or one of my biggest fears, is being abandoned. it’s almost always at the back of my mind. today i had a realisation that shook me to the core, and that realisation was that everyone has to leave sometime. my best friend since first grade will be leaving next year, when we both go off to college in different states. my parents will eventually leave, when they die.

everyone you love leaves, whether they want to or not. i don’t want to be alone in the world, but i’m always alone in my own head. there’s some quote about how you should never think you’re alone even when you’re by yourself, because god and your conscience are always there? but i don’t even believe in god, so there goes that little comfort. all i’ve ever really, truly, deeply wanted is someone to love me and never leave me, but that’s not possible. people can’t help leaving sometimes, and sometimes you need them to even when you don’t want them to and they don’t want to.

i’ve often wondered if the reason i want someone to love me so much is because i don’t love myself that much. it is a real possibility. if that is the case, i just need to learn to love myself, and i don’t even know where to begin on that one.

to start, what are the reasons i don’t love myself? when i look in a mirror, all i see are flaws. i hate my own voice, at least half the time. i’m too sensitive and too emotional, and i’m inclined to histrionics. i let my passions get the better of me. i’m afraid of people. and i’m a hypocrite because i judge everyone–and yes, i refuse to say out loud half of what crosses my mind, but the thoughts are still there and they still count, no matter how bad i feel about having had them.

i can’t correct all my flaws. i think i want someone to love my flaws and convince me that they’re not as horrible as i think they are, so that i can love myself for them instead of in spite of them. not that i even love myself in spite of them. i’m a bit like one of those neglectful mothers–example, edna pontellier–who sporadically has affection for her child but for the most part wants to keep it out of her sight.