the internet.

a lot of people think it’s weird to have online friends. they ask questions such as, “how can you talk to people you don’t know?” which makes sense, if you don’t think about it too much. but there’s another side to it. i speak as someone who has quite a few friends all over the world, all met online–mostly on a support website for people with social anxiety disorder.

i know my international friends much better than the “friends” that live around me and speak to me every day. the anonymity is wonderful, it makes it easier to open up. and it’s not like they’d be total strangers, even if we didn’t confide in each other, because most of them i’ve spoken to on skype, and a lot of them i talk to through text messaging on my cell phone. they’re real people, just like the people i see every day, except they don’t live near me.

this brings me to the issue that really led me to write this post. i am currently involved with someone i met online. we’ve spoken on skype, but can’t text because he lives outside the US. he’s my exact opposite–he smokes pot and drinks too much when he goes out and loves rollercoasters and black metal music–but he’s great and he makes me laugh and he sticks up for me. he’s coming to visit me, but not until next year because i still live with my parents and we’re both unsure about how my parents would react to meeting him, and i can’t go see him because i don’t have money.

is our relationship pointless? maybe it is. i thought writing this would help me decide, but it really hasn’t.

this is one of those sexist phrases that really bothers me.

i hate when guys refer to taking a girl’s virginity as “popping her cherry.” that’s a sick metaphor. it’s a disgusting, graphic reference to the blood that usually results from a girl’s hymen being broken, and its usage is limited to crude, sexist pigs. and yet… people still use it.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/can_a_girl_pop_her_cherry_if_a_guy_fingers_her

see, i thought authors just used it to give male characters a more sexist feel, but clearly it’s still a regularly used term. i can’t believe anyone thinks it’s okay to say “i popped her cherry” in a conversation with anyone, even a frat boy at a party school. it’s classless and tasteless and horrible.

and no, i’m not a feminazi. i just have respect for my gender. you don’t “pop a girl’s cherry.” you take her virginity. and don’t you ever forget it.

revisions to the animal welfare act have been proposed.

according to an e-mail i recently  from the ASPCA, there might soon be revisions to the animal welfare act to eliminate class B dealers–people who sell cats and dogs which have been obtained in a questionable manner to research facilities. as a result of these changes, only pet owners, publicly owned shelters, and dealers/breeders could sell cats and dogs to research facilities. when i read this message, i was shocked at the ASPCA. they’re supposed to advocate pet welfare. how can they see this as pet welfare? allowing ANYONE to sell animals (even rats, mice, and monkeys) to research facilities seems like it would go against ASPCA values.

and yes, i know that animal psychology studies have to be done somewhere, and medical research has to be conducted somehow, but i have to arguments against allowing people to sell their pets to research facilities or to breed domesticated animals especially to sell for research.

the first is that animals do have feelings, and they usually become emotionally attached to their owners. selling them that way breaks that attachment painfully. even if the animal care specialists with the research facilities love the animals, the animals will miss their original owners. the idea that anyone could sell their pet for medical research makes my eyes sting, to be honest. this may sound idealistic, but people shouldn’t own pets if they don’t love them and can’t commit to take care of them their whole lives. if research facilities want animals to test makeup and heart medication on, they can raise them themselves. having to potty train their own puppies for testing might make them think twice about the practice, and surely people would protest against such a practice in any case.

the second argument is that any testing that they are willing to subject defenseless animals to, they should be willing to subject themselves or other humans to. after all, the products and techniques they’re testing are usually things that will eventually be used on humans as well. if you can give a puppy untested chemicals, you should be willing to give them to a human as well. just because puppies can’t speak, that doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.

and after reading all this, if you think i’m an idealist or a PETA nut or an immature idiot, don’t comment. only comment on this post if you have something insightful to say, please.

till this moment i never knew myself.

i’ve always thought i was a clingy, dependent person. that i would always be the submissive one in a relationship, and that i’d always be chasing boys and giving them more than they gave me in return.

however, now that i’m actually in a relationship, i see that i was wrong. i’m the one in control. he’s the one doing the chasing, and i’m the one doing the denying. and honestly, i don’t like having that kind of power. sometimes i regret the decision to date him, partly because i don’t want power and partly because i didn’t realise i wasn’t that attracted to him. i rushed into it because he’s a sweet guy. he makes me feel wanted, and he gives me attention, and i know i was totally selfish to start dating him when i wasn’t sure what i wanted.

especially because tomorrow is our 1 month anniversary and i’m still not sure what i want. i just never thought i’d be in this kind of position or that i’d ever behave in this way. my new confidence is turning me into someone i almost don’t recognise.

a typical outcast’s view of the famous american pep rally tradition.

i meant to write this more than a week ago, after my school’s last pep rally, but then my computer got a nasty virus and i had to take it to a computing store so their IT guys could reformat it for me. luckily they salvaged most of my data. anyway, that’s not the point of this post.

pep rallies are a huge deal at my school, because football games are a huge deal, and that’s because i live in the Deep South. on game days, the student government association comes up with a dress-up theme relating to the other school or their mascot, and everybody comes to school looking almost as ridiculous as is humanly possible. on the day of our last pep rally, the theme was “blackout bryant” i think, which basically just means we were all supposed to wear solid black. i dressed up partly because i’m trying to loosen up more and partly because i wear black everyday anyway.

so just like every other pep rally, we all stood in the bleachers and the marching band played in front of the stage, and the dance line danced their stupid little routines. and then the football team came in and sat at the back in folding chairs. the cheerleaders all ran out and were introduced by doing handsprings down the center of the gym. it was about the tackiest thing i’ve ever seen. there was some cheer performance choreographed to catchy, empty music, and the principal took a pie in the face. it actually kind of reminded me of the opening scene of “bring it on,” except without the naked cheer captain part. or of basically every other remotely humorous movie there is about an american high school.

i think pep rallies represent just about everything i hate about america. they’re obnoxious and short-sighted and aggressive and noisy. i mean, who cares about a high school football game? the pep rally is just an excuse to scream and dance like a whore, if you’re a girl, or watch girls dance like whores, if you’re a guy. even being at a pep rally, whether i participate or not, is embarrassing for me. i’m ashamed of my country and the materialism, the obnoxious self-centered aggressiveness, the go-get-’em attitude that has led us to jump into wars, interfere in foreign affairs, offend the leaders and citizens of other countries, and build a reputation as the rowdiest, most irritating nation on earth. i can’t wait to be an adult, so i can leave this place.

rereading that last paragraph, i realise that i have absolutely zero national pride, and maybe i’m okay with that. i see no point in patriotism. your place of birth is nothing to be proud of, you have no control over it and it shouldn’t define you. i think a lot of people forget that.

it takes a village.

today we had an interesting debate in AP government and economics. we were discussing characteristics of the average liberal or conservative–as in, their basic ideologies–and our teacher mentioned that liberal ide0logy tends to favor animal rights as a cause, as opposed to conservative ideology which says, “it’s just a dog, who cares?” anyway this girl in my class raised her hand and commented that she and her mother saw an animal rights protest in DC a while back, and her mother asked one of the protesters if they agreed with abortion. the protester said he or she (can’t remember which) did agree with abortion. apparently this girl thought that was hypocritical. i can understand that i guess, but it still bothers me.

i mean, yes, if you believe that abortion is murder then of course it would be baffling to meet someone who approves of abortion and supports animal rights. but the very fact that i can see the other side, i think, is what makes me different from this girl in my class. she didn’t even consider that maybe the protester didn’t consider abortion to be murder. she just thought, “why would you care about puppies but be okay with killing babies?”

i guess it all comes back to basic differences. progressives tend to be more open-minded. or more… progressive. also more compassionate to the weak, such as poor people, minorities, the disabled, animals, beings that get overlooked in a capitalist/every-man-for-himself society. this is where i remember what i like about socialism. i know there are people who take advantage of the system to coast through life, but i’m willing to let my taxpayer dollars go to them as well, in order to ensure that no child goes hungry just because his or her mother can no longer work for some reason. i think we should all help each other. it’s important to remember the holy spirit (which i talked about in an earlier post) and the fact that we are all part of the same thing. we are all human, and, as they say, it takes a village to raise a child.

i forgot i live in a glass house.

i am a hypocrite. there’s a new student at my school, a freshman. and i swear to god–my best friend agrees–she’s even skinnier than i was as a freshman, and i was 4′11″ and 72 pounds. this girl is physically active, too. she’s a varsity cheerleader, with a ton of excess energy. at games she bounces up and down on the balls of her feet and swings her arms idly when she isn’t cheering.

i know, you’re wondering what this has to do with me. the thing is, the first day i saw her i jumped to the conclusion that she must be anorexic. i mean, of course i backed it up with reasons. she’s unbelievably thin, her hair is thin and limp, her face is gaunt, she looks malnourished. but that still gives me no right to pass judgement on her, and i know that. i’m sure people had reasons for thinking i was anorexic, too, but they were still wrong and i still hated it.

and just because this girl looks unhealthy, that doesn’t mean she’s anorexic. i mean, the main reason i ruled out medical condition is that she has so much energy and is fit enough to be on a cheer squad. i know my reasons are valid. i guess i’m just annoyed with myself because i don’t know for sure, and even if i did, it’s none of my business. i don’t even know her.

i really have to stop judging people.

a discussion of love, relationships, and the holy spirit.

i feel pressure to be in a relationship. i certainly want one. i want to be loved. i want to be wanted. i want to have someone i can do everything with and trust with every secret thought tumbling around in my head.

but besides that, i’ve already passed the normal age to start dating and being involved with guys, and i’m not dating, nor am i involved with any guys. people expect a girl my age to have a boyfriend. and people seem somewhat surprised when i tell them i’m single and have never had a boyfriend other than adam, back in 10th grade. this is something i don’t really understand, because i don’t see myself as particularly charming or attractive or anything like that.

just the other day, i told my best friend i was frustrated seeing people i perceive as below myself in the social hierarchy finding relationships when i’ve never had that kind of luck. and she said, about this particular instance, “yeah, but he’s dating a freshman. you can do better than a freshman.” which i’m not sure is true, seeing as i’m currently not, and i only have once. it’s so frustrating seeing someone i’m attracted to, being rejected by them, and then being further confused when my friend tells me i’m too good for that guy or i could do better; because if i were really too good for him, he’d jump at the chance if he had half a brain.

i’m currently at the mercy of a very attractive, very intelligent, highly amusing boy who seems to hug every girl he’s friends with on a fairly regular basis, except me. he’ll be walking with me, see one of his other female friends, and go over and hug her. i asked my best friend why he does that and her answer was, “maybe he just hugs them to keep them quiet. so-and-so used to hug people just so they’d shut up. and he doesn’t even know you like him,” but how is that last part even relevant? and i don’t understand why i’m so hung up on him or why i seem to do this pretty frequently. i wish i had an OFF switch i could flip so i could stop doing this to myself, because it seems so futile and painful and embarrassing and useless.

so what i’m wondering is, why is love so important? maybe i’m just too much a romantic to chalk it up to chemicals in the brain. logically, i know the reason we all spend so much time looking for companionship is that that’s how humans are programmed; we search for someone to keep close to us because we’re social creatures. it preserves the species. but maybe there’s more to it than that.

i’m reading john steinbeck’s the grapes of wrath, and i keep going back to what jim casy said about the holy spirit. he said maybe we’re all part of one enormous human spirit, and that’s what the holy spirit refers to in theology. maybe it’s not about god, it’s about us as people all being connected to one another. and maybe this collective spirit is the intuitive reason that we spend so much time seeking love. it’s a comforting idea. like if we all share on spirit, maybe even when i’m alone, i’m not really alone.

my august playlist.

i’m going to start a monthly playlist, because i think a person’s music tells a lot about them, so here goes:

AFI – miss murder

the all-american rejects – stab my back

brand new – sic transit gloria… glory fades

chevelle – the clincher

chumbawamba – pass it along

crossfade – cold

the donnas – fall behind me

the fall of troy – FCPREMIX

fall out boy – i don’t care

fireflight – stand up

flo rida – right round

framing hanley – lollipop

the gay blades – o shot

green day – east jesus nowhere

the hush sound – not your concern

jason mraz – i’m yours

jimmy eat world – firefight

la roux – in for the kill

lily allen – oh my god (feat. mark ronson)

matchbook romance – monsters

the offspring – a lot like me

phoenix – 1901

shinedown – simple man

skillet – comatose

sublime – santeria

the subways – all or nothing

three days grace – home

the who – the seeker

yellowcard – gifts and curses

10 years – wasteland

happy birthday, varun!